best jokes

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Oh, yes.”

Boy: “I love you so much, I could never live without you.”
Girl: “Is that you or the beer talking?”
Boy: “It’s me talking to the beer.”

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.
The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, “How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?”
The man says, “Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I’m gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home.”

A wise old gentleman retired and he bought a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in a peaceful and silent place. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, everything changed. Three young boys, who were full of joy after they left the school, walked down the gentleman’s street. They were beating almost on every trashcan they met. They did the same thing every other day. The wise old man got an idea and decided to do something about it.
The next afternoon, he went out on the street to meet the young boys. He stopped them and said,
“You kids are a lot of fun. You know, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I’ll give you each a dollar if you‘ll promise to come here every day and do this.”
The kids were so happy to hear this and continued to beat the trashcans.
After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again. But this time he had a sad smile on his face.
“This recession is a bit harsh on me,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers weren’t happy about it, but they accepted his offer and continued their job. A few days later, the old man met them again when they were drumming on the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet. So I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“Only 25 cents?” one of the boys exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, and beat these cans around for 25 cents, you’re silly! No way. We quit!”
And the old man enjoyed peace and calm around his house for the rest of his days.

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” says the husband. “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”
“Well, I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it,” the wife replies.
“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

A security guard has a dream that the jet plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up, he calls his boss at home and tells him. His boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.
The next day, the plane crashes. The boss calls the security guard to his office and gives him a reward – and then fires him. He asks his boss why he’s being let go. The boss replies, “You were sleeping on the job.”

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade. Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Guinevere. The belt contained a miniature guillotine.
Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down. One by one, he went to each knight and shook his head, telling all those whose members were missing to get out of his sight.
That is until he came up to Lancelot. Seeing that Lancelot was intact, he exclaimed, “Now I knew I could count on you to be trusted. Name anything at all and it is yours.”
Lancelot replied “UNGH! UH! UNGH!”

One Liner Jokes

I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

It’s Sunday, and my wife just finished telling me about her day on Friday.

Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

To see a man’s true face, look to the 
photos he hasn’t posted.

There’s no “I” in denial.

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, “Wait, you forgot the remote!”

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

Two grains of sand go through the desert. One to the other: “I have the feeling somebody is watching me.”

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.

Short Jokes

Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

A blonde goes to the doctor’s and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what’s wrong. She replies, “I know who the dad is for one of them but I don’t know who the dad is for the other one!”

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Wife – I bought new jeans.
Me – They look great on you.
Wife – They’re still in the bag.
Me – They look great on you.

A man asks a farmer near a field: Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.
The farmer says: Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.

“Grandpa, why don’t you have any life insurance?”
“So you can all be really sad when I die.”

Doctor Jokes

Doctor: I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.
Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
Doctor: Nine.

An old man went to the doctor. He had problems with a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid, it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “I can’t do anything about it.”
“That can’t be true!” replied the old man, “You just don’t know what it is”.
“How can you possibly know that I am wrong?” asked the doctor.
“Well it’s simple,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exactly same age!”

Secretary: “Doctor, the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

Science Jokes

A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, “Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?” The photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

What do scientists say when they go to the bar?
Climate change scientists: “Where’s the ice?”
Seismologists: “Shaken and not stirred.”
Microbiologists: “Just a small one.”
Scientists studying the defective gubernaculum: “Put mine in a highball.”
Social scientists: “I’d like something soft.”

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

Q: Why can’t you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they’re trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

Q: What did the 30 degree angle say to the 90 degree angle?
A: “You think you’re always right!”

Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: “Hey, I’ve figured it out. I know where we are.”
“Where are we then?”
“Do you see that mountain over there?”
“Well… THAT’S where we are.”

Newton, Pascal and Archimedes are playing hide and seek. Archimedes starts to count, Pascal hides in a bush, and Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it. Archimedes finds Newton first, of course, but Newton replies, “Nope. One Newton on one square meter is equal to one Pascal.”

Q: What do clouds do when they become rich?
A: They make it rain!

A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.” A blonde student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”

When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, “O MG!”

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

Q: Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist?
A: Because you will get Jurasskicked.

Three doctors are out geese-hunting. A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. “I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese.” Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. “I’ll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first.” Some more geese fly over. The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky. “What were those things, anyway?” he asks.

Q: Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.

A neutrino walks into a bar … and keeps going!!

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion!

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”

Blonde Jokes

Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said: It’s dark in here isn’t it?
The other replied: I don’t know; I can’t see.

Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
A: She can’t find the eleven.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions….
Officer: What’s 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

This blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work. She knocks on one door and a handsome older man opens it up.
– Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?
He looks her up and down and surmises that she’s an idiot whom he can take advantage of.
– I’ll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There’s paint, brushes, ladders and everything you’ll need next to the car in the garage.
– Sure, sounds great!
The man closes the door, chuckling at what a great deal he’s just brokered. Half an hour later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it up and there’s the blonde.
– You’re finished already? he asked her incredulously.
– Yeah! It isn’t really that big! But I think you should know, that’s not a porch. It’s a Jaguar!

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV, it’s a microwave!”

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.’”

A blonde goes to the doctor’s and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what’s wrong. She replies, “I know who the dad is for one of them but I don’t know who the dad is for the other one!”

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, “Wait, you forgot the remote!”

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
“No!” yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
“For the last time, no!” says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”
The blonde says, “Because I wanna stay up here with you!”

A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.” A blonde student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!…”

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.” One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?” “N,” she answered.

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.” The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

Stupid Kid Jokes

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. (They’re great for separating independent Clauses)

Q: What do spys eat instead of McDonald’s?
A: SpyDonald’s

Q: Why don’t ants get sick?
A: Because they have little anty-bodies.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

Q: What do you call a tiger with glasses on?
A: A scientist tiger.

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just Juan.

Q: What is Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill?
A: Walking… jk, rolling.

Man: Waiter, how long will my pizza be?
Waiter: Not very long.

Q: What’s E.T. short for?
A: Because he’s got little legs.

Q: Why did the banana eat himself?
A: He had nothing.

No matter how kind you are, German children will always be Kinder.

What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a chicken? Nothing but death.

Q: What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
A: Attire.

Q: What do you call a fish with no tail?
A: A one eyed grape.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A: Aye Matey.

Crocodiles might be vegetarians because when they open their mouths, we could easily put in vegetables!

Q: What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
A: Ye’d think it be “R”, but a pirate’s first love will always be the “C”.

– Do you like icecream?
– Yes.
– Then maybe you should marry it.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he never lands.

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.

Q: Why do monkeys eat banana?
A: Because bananas are not afraid.

Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit. The other chickpea asks: “Are you okay?” and the chickpea answers: “No, I falafel”.

Dumb Dad Jokes

It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!

This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley”. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

Can February March?
No, but April May!

When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him…
“No, I’d rather drink it out of the carton!”

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!

What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.

Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tearable!

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No it doesn’t!”

I thought about going on an all-almond diet…. But that’s just nuts!

You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there?

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint!

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down!

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, “First offender?”
She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

I invented a new word today… Plagiarism!

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

Five out of four people admit… they’re bad with fractions!

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids… I’m a faux pa!

I know a lot of jokes about retired people… but none of them work!

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it!

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.
It was sole destroying!

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory!

After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!

I’m so good at sleeping… I can do it with my eyes closed!

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you… an iWitness?!

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.
Only a fraction of people will understand this!

My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home!

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it!

Bad Jokes

I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!

My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it’s also terrible.

What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
Artificial Swedener.

What did the buffalo say when his son left?

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

I like to spend every day as if it’s my last. Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!

Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife?
He needed his space.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

What does a zombie vegetarian eat?

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin, get in the car.”

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
“Oh sheet!”

What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
A blue bucket painted red.

What happens to pastors who eat chili dogs?
They have to sit in their own pew.

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?
‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!

Why do you smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.

What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it’s only mild.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree?
A pool table.

When is your door not actually a door?
When it’s actually ajar.

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines.

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed. I don’t think it’s fair to make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

What do you call a man who can’t stand?

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

I’m terrified of elevators… so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes?
Probably not, they haven’t had a gig yet.

What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey… but then I turned myself around.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!

Funny Jokes

What do you call an alligator that works on Wall Street?
An Invest-i-gator!

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
I was heels over head!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other… “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

I would avoid the sushi if I was you.
It’s a little fishy!